i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
