even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
