The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
