Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize