so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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