i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
