Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
