I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
