We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
