it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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