My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
