Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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