Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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