A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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