I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
two words: eviction party
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize