Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
