If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
