The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
