Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize