I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The best revenge is premature balding
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
