i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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