babies were throwing up all over the place
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
