Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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