woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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