I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
