3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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