I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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