I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
