Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i came on her dog
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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