I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
