you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize