Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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