I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
