i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
