Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
