I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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