i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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