things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Four minutes until I can fart!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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