i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
