I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
