Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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