Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
