I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
