He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
