I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
