i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
