Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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