im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
