dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
