My room smells like vodka and shame
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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