Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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