Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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