my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
