a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
