So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
