I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
