My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize