I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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