mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
