it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
