i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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