I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
